A crowd so large it could be seen from space

Trump’s military parade didn’t quite hit the mark he was aiming for, despite all the tanks, drones, and robot dogs. Reports paint a picture of a lacklustre turnout, with sparse crowds and a vibe that fell short of the MAGA Woodstock he probably envisioned.

MAGA spin – as expected – is pure comedy gold! The number of people crammed into Washington would make sardines jealous, apparently. I couldn’t help but add my own MAGA-style spin:

In what President Trump has declared “the single greatest event in human history,” MAGA supporters are hailing Wednesday’s military parade as a triumph of patriotism, masculinity, and raw American might – even as aerial footage and crowd photos suggest otherwise.

While mainstream media described the event as “lightly attended” and “logistically confused,” Trump loyalists online have set the record straight.

“1.1 billion people were there. I counted,” said @RedBlood1776 on Truth Social. “The only reason it doesn’t look like that in the pictures is because the deep state sprayed cloud cover to block aerial shots.”

Another user posted that the cheering was so loud it could be heard in space, writing: “NASA picked it up on the James Webb telescope. Sound waves literally shook the moon.”

Sources close to the president say he was particularly moved when a bald eagle descended from the heavens and landed on his shoulder during the national anthem. “It was the most American moment since the Boston Tea Party,” said retired General Carl Pickens, who claimed to have seen the bird “nod in approval.”

The Trump campaign later released a heavily edited video of the moment, complete with slow motion, dramatic music, and an eagle screech dubbed in for effect.

Meanwhile, conservative influencer Mindy Blaze told her 2.3 million followers that the parade “broke at least seven world records, including the most flags waved at once and the longest continuous chant of ‘U-S-A’ in planetary history.”

Guinness World Records has not confirmed this.

Despite footage showing empty bleachers, sporadic applause, and at least one tank stalling mid-route, Trump declared the day a resounding success. “The biggest parade ever. They’ve never seen anything like it. Bigger than Normandy. Bigger than the moon landing. People were fainting from the patriotism. The generals were crying, I mean crying.”

Sources say one particularly emotional general was, in fact, a wax figure from Madame Tussauds, loaned to the parade due to “a light shortage of actual attendees.”

Critics say the event was a bloated spectacle designed to boost Trump’s ego. But supporters disagree. “The liberal media didn’t cover it,” claimed commentator Blake Stone on Patriot Network, “because if they showed the truth, their ratings would explode from the sheer patriotic energy. It’s called a red wave, folks.”

When asked to respond to questions about costs, logistics, or the absence of factual evidence supporting any of the day’s record-breaking claims, a spokesperson for the Trump team simply responded, “Fake news.”

The president is reportedly considering an even bigger event next year called “FreedomTACO” promising jets, tanks, a lunar module, and if that’s not enough excitement… there will be guest appearances from Ma and Pa Kettle’s surviving 128 children.

 

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