The Great American Fleece Job: How to Lose Friends, Influence Markets, and Profit Immensely

In the annals of absurdity, 2025 has already secured its place as the year the United States declared economic war on… checks notes … coral atolls, penguin colonies, and the ghost of Alexander Hamilton’s pet parrot. Under the banner of “America First, Second, and Third – Everyone Else Gets a Bill,” the Trump administration unveiled its pièce de résistance: tariffs on every landmass outside U.S. jurisdiction, including uninhabited islands. (Take that, Tuvalu! Your 11,000 citizens and three fishing boats shall rue the day!) But while the optics of taxing seagulls and coconut crabs might seem like a satirical fever dream, the real magic trick was how this policy became the greatest wealth transfer since Robin Hood – except in reverse, and with more hairspray.

The Tariff Tantrum: A Masterclass in Distraction

Let’s dissect the genius. By imposing tariffs on every foreign entity – excluding Russia but including rocks that occasionally breach the ocean’s surface – the administration created a smokescreen thicker than a Mar-a-Lago steak well-done. Critics howled about economic illiteracy, but they missed the point. The goal wasn’t to win trade; it was to weaponise chaos. When you’re busy calculating tariffs on the Isle of Rockall (population: zero), you’re not asking who’s shorting the S&P 500.

The Stock Market Rollercoaster: From ‘Yikes’ to ‘YOLO’

Enter the stock market’s “double dip” (not the fun chip kind). Two historic crashes vaporised retirement funds, turning 401(k)s into 201(k)s. Cue panic, headlines about “the end of capitalism,” and viral videos of financial advisors sobbing into their avocado toast. But then – poof! – Trump “froze” the tariffs (a move as permanent as his tan), and markets roared back like a SpaceX rocket fueled by insider knowledge.

Coincidence? Please. This is the administration that turned “truth is stranger than fiction” into a business model. If you think the timing of those crashes and recoveries wasn’t… fortuitous… for certain well-connected individuals, I’ve got a classified Mar-a-Lago membership to sell you.

What Do You Call It? A Glossary of Euphemisms

The question posed is simple: what’s the term for a government engaging in trillion-dollar insider trading? Let’s consult the lexicon of modern kleptocracy:

1. “State-Sponsored Financial Performance Art”: When economic policy is less about strategy and more about creating volatility that friends can monetise.
2. “Patriotic Profit Maximisation”: Because nothing says “love of country” like liquidating Grandma’s pension to buy the dip.
3. “The Mar-a-Lago Put”: A speculative bet that the government will blow up the economy, then reverse course just in time for your hedge fund to rebound.

Historians might point to the Teapot Dome scandal or the 2008 bank bailouts as precedents, but this is different. This isn’t mere corruption – it’s corruption with flair. Why settle for boring old insider trading when you can strap the entire global economy to a rollercoaster and charge admission?

The Satirical Safety Net

To avoid lawsuits (hello, Truth Social legal team!), let’s be clear: this essay is obviously a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real events is purely coincidental. Pure. Luck.

Conclusion: Capitalism’s Greatest Magic Trick

In the end, the real marvel isn’t that an administration could orchestrate such a heist – it’s that half the country would applaud it as “disruptive genius.” The lesson? When you can’t beat the market, break the market, then buy it at a discount. As the Founding Fathers surely intended.

So raise a glass to 2025: the year the invisible hand of the market gave us all the middle finger – and someone offshore made a killing betting on it.

Epilogue: For legal reasons, the author would like to note that seagulls have not yet been consulted on tariff compliance. They’re holding out for a better deal.

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