The greedy ape: why catastrophe is inevitable

Part 1: The chimpanzee sex conundrum

When you banish the rather odd concept of humankind as a golden twig protruding from the very top of the tree of life, and instead start comparing and contrasting our sexual predilections and habits with those of our biological cousins, it can be quite disturbing. But it does provide hints as to why we all seem to share such badly designed emotional software. It also provides for a chance to talk about sex in a way that is not overtly pornographic, but still a bit titillatingly rude. Which can only be a good thing.

The modern taxonomy dumps homo sapiens (ie, you) in with the rest of the apes. We are not at the apex of all physical creation; we are another chimpanzee. There is pan troglodytes, pan piscus, and pan sapiens. Fair enough. Suck it up.

Of course, this is not to deny that there are substantial differences. Even though we are – in the bigger scheme of things – fairly closely related, you are most unlikely to be stimulated by the sight of a pretty pygmy chimp in a skirt. Likewise, if a common chimp tried to pick you up in a bar, you would have to be pretty hammered to fail to notice that they were a chimp, and not a chap. Nevertheless, we are second cousins on the mothers’ side, about six hundred and forty thousand times removed.

First, of course, we need to revisit ‘the chimpanzee sex conundrum’. I know this is a topic that has been on everybody’s lips recently, and that my learned and perverted audience are all well acquainted with the copulatory habits of all our chimpanzee brethren, but it is nevertheless always best practice to provide a synopsis. So, luckily, it is time to talk about sex again. Which is what we all really want. But in this instance readers will be delighted (or happily outraged) to hear that thinking and talking about sex can be slightly productive. It might even help shed light on some rather tricky questions relating to why we are all so collectively and individually fucked-up, in the particular ways in which we are all so evidently fucked-up.

When it comes to considering and describing our commonplace sexual peccadilloes, as a species, the early scientific deviates who were deeply concerned with such matters thought it best to commence by perving on the other chimps. (?) Thus, it has come to pass, ever since the dawn of time, our species has been closely and continuously examining the sexual actions, predilections, and habits of all our chimpanzee cousins.

Until in recent years, huge purpose-built orgy grounds have been constructed at vast state expense, with every aspect of chimp sexual behavior being repeatedly documented, measured, remarked on, photographed, and videotaped. Yet while it is quite evident that both the chimps and the scientists have been having a bang-up time on the public dime; has it been worth it? Has all this time and effort been a good investment? I would suggest that this is debatable. Even when you step back and squint it still doesn’t serve to explain much of anything.

You see, the scientists collectively reasoned that these two chimpanzee species were our next of kin, so they were close enough in evolution to make observations pertinent, yet still far enough away to make it perfectly legal to place them in a cage and secretly film them while they were fucking. But it seems that this assumption was faulty. We’ve watched our chimpanzee relatives eat, drink, sleep, and screw, in the wild, in game parks, in zoos, in labs, and everywhere in between. For science fun and profit. For years. But it still don’t add up.

All the three chimp species do it differently, in different ways, for different reasons. Pan sapiens (ie, you) do it differently to all the other chimp’s. The other chimp’s do it differently to us, and each other. We could be elephants, hummingbirds, and wombats. This is the chimpanzee sex conundrum.

Part 2: The greedy ape

As we all know, common chimps live in small groups of twenty to thirty individuals and approach life in a feudal sort of way. The means of production are controlled by the patriarchy and the women are treated as a treasured and shared resource. The female common chimp is only sexually receptive for a few weeks each year, but when they are, their private parts swell up, turn a bright red colour, and they become very common indeed. But in common chimp society there is no real line between sexual and other behaviours. So there are no anxious glances and no ducking down a quiet alleyway for a quick kneetrembler. While a female is in ‘flower’ she is followed everywhere by a pack of male admirers, and anychimp except a brother or father, is welcome. Just form an orderly line towards the tree.

Consequently, for a common chimp sex is no biggie, with emotions such as jealousy, modesty, and embarrassment entirely absent. Rooting is just another something between sleeping and eating. There is no ‘wham-bam’, just a polite ‘thank you ma’am’.

However, on the other hand, where common chimp society is highly ordered and sometimes testosterone laden, in at least a vaguely familiar fashion, pygmy chimpanzees are different. They are all perverted hippy socialists. They prefer open tropical country with abundant fruit, roots, and berries, with fresh running water close at hand {but then don’t we all? Ed.}. Here they like to gather together in large groups to eat and screw until the next time they can get together, in a large group, to (etc.). Where common chimps can take it or leave it, pygmy chimpanzee interaction revolves around an all-encompassing obsession with sex, and more sex. But not at all in a human fashion.

As with pan sapiens, the female pygmy chimp is always sexually receptive, yet here similarities end. Our pigmy cousins do it, and do it again, all the time, individually and in groups, but with few or no evident hang-ups. For these diminutive apes all existence is orgy, with every-chimp forever on honeymoon yet never married.

Then there is the human race. And luckily, because you are loaded with exactly the same faulty software as the author, there is no need to canvass in detail the strange peccadillos associated with human courting and procreation activities. It seems that where the common chimp can take it or leave it and so sex is no biggie, and where our pygmy cousins always take it and yet still lead an idyllic sort of lifestyle, us humans inherited all the perversions and hang-ups.

Pan sapiens is the only chimpanzee species that is simultaneously driven by a need to engage in small talk, screw our best friends partner, copulate in private, and also own Europe. We are uniquely burdened; we are a greedy ape. We have all been bequeathed a strange emotional pre-programming that makes it always seem like a good idea to screw every other attractive hunk of humanflesh that might ever pass by, whilst also striving to possess at least one of everything. (Maybe two?)

Unlike our pygmy cousins, members of our species can never be biologically sated by mere access to all of the food and females in existence. Rather, every human is individually programmed to fight for exclusive access to everything. We are all programmed to be titillated by each tiny increment of control (of security, stuff, or sex). Which is why, unlike all the other varieties of chimp, as soon as it was possible, humans began keeping score. As a result the basic concept of: ‘If you touch one more of my rocks, or my women, I’ll knock you’re fucken’ head off’ – very soon spawned what we now call an ‘economy’.

In closing: Catastrophe is inevitable

So what do these comparisons teach us? Very little actually. It just serves to confirm that lurking dark suspicion with which every human is well familiar: namely, we have been set-up to fail, bigtime.

It didn’t matter so much back in the day. It appears that our weird emotional software package did actually work when there were umpteen acres of empty space still left to ‘conquer’. Back when there were continents unoccupied and roaming herds of megafauna requiring extermination. But now?

As a complex worldwide civilisation we are confronted with a host of pressing, delicate, and quite difficult to solve existential problems, yet our software package is simply not up to the task. It is made for pillaging, raping, and bludgeoning megafauna to death in pits. As a consequence, we are all forever – collectively and individually – eternally torn between knowing what we should do, and knowing what we want to do, and knowing they are two entirely different things.

This is likely why civilization has blossomed and withered in a cyclic pattern that is unique to our species. First, we build a beautiful complex centre of knowledge, exchange, learning, and tolerance. Then we blow it up. In its place we build yet another, larger, more beautiful, more complex, centre of knowledge, exchange, learning, and tolerance. Then we blow it up. In its place … etcetera.

Even in the good times, in between our frequent outbreaks of open warfare and blowing shit up, we all know the chimpanzee passions are really in control. We fractiously divide widespread resources and tamp down our private inner Genghis Khan, so we can all gather together, compare lists, and enjoy a bit of sneaky sex. Yet despite all this co-mingling, cavorting, and hasty rooting, we also know it’s just a matter of time before the shit hits the fan, again, as it always does. We all privately dream of owning continents and politely smile at our hosts, even as we eye off their partner and crockery. It cannot be helped. We are all, at our core, greedy apes.

So: we are fucked. We cannot outrun biology. As individuals we can be quite admirable, but in large groups we are deplorable. We all employ a suite of emotional pre-programming that makes it virtually impossible for us to successfully live together in harmony – yet which also forces us to gather together in large groups all the time, so we can pass small talk, and have dangerous sex. We are all programmed, individually and collectively, to fail. We know what we should do, and we also know what we want to do, and they are always two entirely different things! Consequently, no matter how large and sophisticated a civilisation we build, our horny & greedy ape-genes are always there, lurking in the background, ever urging us to fuck it all up in spectacular ways, once again. Just like last time.

In the distant future, when Earth is at last observed by less subjectively inclined beings, no doubt the vague resemblance between the huge colonies of roosting birds and human cities will be pointed out. Yet here, unusually, subjectivity does breed understanding. No human would ever make such an analogy. No human would ever be that naive.

We humans all understand that the order we impose on the landscape is not generated by benevolence but rather by enforced scarcity and overweening voracity. We use our firm, well-policed boundaries to temporarily constrain our boundless desires. No bird ever dreams of annexing the fifteen nests to the North, to found a Nestdom, then organize a Pecktatorship, to go on to conquer the whole colony. It is a purely human thing. And it’s all down to faulty wiring.

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