Dispatch from the United States of Honkerica
By Quill Feathers, Reality Correspondent (barely)
In an alternate dimension where logic went out for a pack of smokes and never came back, the Republic of Honkerica has officially transitioned from constitutional democracy to authoritarian poultry theatre.
Yes, friends, the Glorious Goose Leader – known for his golden plumage, dazzling self-regard, and extensive record of “creative interpretations” of the law – has waddled his way back into power despite being a convicted criminal. In Honkerica, conviction is apparently just a spicy credential for “leadership potential.”
This week, Goose Leader activated Executive Order 404: Rights Not Found, declaring due process “a liberal hoax,” trial by jury “a waste of taxpayer breadcrumbs,” and the presumption of innocence “for nerds.”
His rationale? Efficiency. “Why waste time with courts when I can just HONK at people and disappear them?” he said, to thunderous applause from a rally crowd that had to sign loyalty pledges and bring their own goose feed.
In a dazzling press conference held at the Ministry of Alternative Facts, the Leader flanked himself with trembling cabinet members, a gold-framed portrait of himself winking, and a vat of glitter glue. “We’re simplifying the system,” he said. “You upset me? That’s a jail honk. You criticize me on SquawkBook? That’s two honks – solitary confinement.”
Some were confused. One elderly citizen was arrested after honking in traffic. “It was just a normal honk,” she told this reporter. “Not even political!” She was last seen being bundled into a van labeled “DISSENT DELIVERY SERVICE.”
Meanwhile, the “Free Range Resistance” (now operating from an undisclosed coop) released a statement: “We always feared this day. We just didn’t think it would involve so many feathers and self-portraits.”
International response has been mixed. The United Kingdom sent tea. Canada sent polite concern. Australia offered a refugee visa for any journalist still using facts.
As satire collapses under the weight of its own relevance, the only thing left to say is:
Apropos of Nothing? Honkerica’s New Motto.
And if you’re reading this… honk twice for help.
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Great writing there Lachlan. Thank you for a good laugh and another ponder over how the HELL any of this has actually happened ‘over there’. Rather think there are many more rotten smelly goose eggs that are to be laid by the evil waddler to further all his bloody destruction.
Hello, Anne. Lovely to see you again.
Canada fights back with song (skip the ads it’s worth it) :
https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=canada+fights+back+i+wll+survive+song&mid=73935D2E344FDFFF0DDC73935D2E344FDFFF0DDC&FORM=VIRE
Good stuff.
Sometimes it takes satire to reveal reality.
The reality here is that little has changed.
But for one thing.
US fascism is no longer hidden, it’s loud and proud.
Another view of the Colossal Colon, the Titanic Tyrant, the Pustular Potentate, The Mangey Monarch, the Predatory Pustularity, the Preposterous POX, the Tumultuous Tumour, the Dickhead Duce, the Fungal Fuhrer, More…
Brilliant. Hilarious, yet tragic – George Orwell would approve of your writing, but not the times of which he prophesied and in which we live.
Parody is certainly the way to go when responding to grotesque, humourless egotism. But if I can lower the tone a bit to state the obvious… the tramp “justifies” dispensing with due process because it would be impossible to hold millions of court cases. But the constitution exists to limit executive power. He says, too bad, it’s what the majority voted for. To which the obvious response is that the whole point of the way the constitution divides power is to protect EVERYONE from the tyranny of the majority.